What is Grief?

We all think of grief as being our emotional reaction when someone dies, however it is much more than that. We have a grief reaction whenever we experience any type of loss. This means that it can affect us when:

• We lose a job.
• We move house.
• Our relationships end; romantic, friends, colleagues or even next door neighbours.
• We lose a leg or other part of our body.
• Something happens that prevents us from doing something we wanted to do, from pursuing a goal.

Grief is a natural and complex emotional response to loss. It will therefore affect everyone at some point in their life. The grief response is deeply personal and unique to everyone. Everyone grieves in their own way. It is also often unique to each loss and so we may grieve in different ways in response to different losses.

Grief affects the whole of us: physically, emotionally and mentally. It can include symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, and difficulty sleeping. We experience many emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. It can preoccupy our thoughts and dreams. The intensity and duration of grief also varies widely from person to person.

The Tasks of Grief

J William Worden set out the tasks that must be accomplished during the grieving process:

1. Accept the reality of the loss: There is often an initial state of shock and disbelief, where the reality of the loss is hard to accept. You may try to deny it has happened. Try to mitigate the loss, or correct it in some way.

2. Let yourself feel the pain of the loss: Grief involves complex emotions, and these emotions must be felt and processed as part of the grief process. Grief has been called a rollercoaster, one minute you are up and the next you are down. You think you have dealt with something, and then it comes back again. All you can do is ride the rollercoaster. If you try to bury the emotions, they will simply re-emerge later, which often leads to mental health issues like uncontrolled emotional outbursts, simmering anger or depression.

3. Adjust to the world with the loss and develop a new self-identity: Loss involves making a lot of adjustments; emotional, mental and physical. Life will not be the same as before. You may feel like you want to fight these changes, resist, make bargains. However, ultimately, things cannot change. The loss is permanent; things must change. It takes time to accept, process and adjust to these changes. You will also not be the same now, you will have been changed by the loss, and you need to find who you now are.

4. Find a new way of seeing the loss: If someone has died you need to find a new way to remember and connect with the person even though they are no longer physically here. If it is the end of a relationship you need to find a way to let them go emotionally, mentally and physically. This involves letting go of the pain, which can be a very hard thing to do. This is especially the case if you have children with your ex-partner, as you will be forced to continue to interact with them. You will need to find a new way to do this.

Grief is therefore a very hard and painful journey as you complete these tasks. You are being forced to accept things and feel things that you often do not want to. It is therefore vital to be kind to yourself, to be patient and understanding with yourself. Remember that this is your unique journey. There is no “right” way to grieve. It is also important to reach out for support from friends, family, and professionals.

I was a Bereavement Volunteer with Cruse, the national bereavement charity, for 7 years. I was also a divorce solicitor for over 20 years. I therefore have lots of experience in supporting people through their grief journeys.

For more information, or just a chat, please contact me on 07742 209312 or nicole@greenoaktherapies.co.uk